Looking forward to the "after"....

I have surgery next Tuesday.  I'm so looking forward to the "after".  I'm tired and drained from the worry.  The nerves.  The what-if's.  I leave it all in God's hands and pray that he plans on this all going smoothly!  

I would bet a million bucks that you've probably never seen a cake decorated quite like the one I made for my last day of work tomorrow!  Working in a hospital....our sense of humor is somewhat "jaded"!  LOL....then again, my personal sense of humor is pretty far out there to begin with!  If this cake offends you....tough.  

Looking over the past 9 months, or so, of posts, man, how depressing.  I'm hoping this menopause crap gets its self under control.  I've gained back way, way, way too much of the weight I lost.  I'm tired of "thoughts" I would normally NEVER have had, seek their way into my mind, into my heart and into my soul. I never really came out and said/typed the "s" word, I always just danced around it by calling it the "s" word!  Well, yup, here it is.....suicide.  It was thought of.  Quite often as a matter of fact.  I knew that no one knew of these thoughts.....at least I thought that, but there was always Him.....Him, keeping His eyes on me.  Letting me get to just that exact moment when I thought this is the end of everything, but actually it was a great beginning!  I was so wrapped up with crap in my mind at that time.  I'm so glad that things are on the up and up.  I still have thoughts from time to time.  In fact, just the other day while performing CPR on a patient, I caught myself saying to him; "lucky bastard-your worries are over".  Just signs from God telling me what areas I have to work on yet!  I have yet to figure out just what brought the thoughts on.  I have a pretty normal life.  I had 2 great parents that brought me up in a normal way.  They taught me some great values.  I'm blessed in so many ways with great family and friends.  But, we all know that one can be in a room full of loved ones and still be lonely.  We know that it's always the one who's so busy making sure everyone else is happy that turns out to be the loneliest.  

Yesterday while catching up on my DVR'd Joyce Meyer episodes, one story she told during one of the episodes really spoke to me.....

A donkey had fallen into a pit and began to cry for help.  All the farmers in the area had heard it's cries.  They all went to get shovels to help.  They began to throw dirt onto the donkey's back in the pit.  One bystander wondered why would these farmers not help this poor donkey, instead they were trying to cover it up.  Then the bystander watched as the donkey, with each shovel full being thrown on it, would shake the dirt off it's back and step on it.  With each shovel full of dirt, the donkey kept shaking it off it's back, stepping on and therefore getting higher and higher. Eventually, there was enough dirt thrown on this donkey's back that he shook off and then was able to just walk out of the pit. 

I have decided to take this analogy to heart!  I've always, as I'm sure, most of us do...tried to help fix EVERYTHING we possibly can in this world.  NO MORE.  Anything that comes my way to "disrupt" my life, I'm gonna treat it like a shovel full of dirt being thrown on my back.  I'm gonna just shake it off and then rise higher and higher becoming the peaceful person I long for.  Right now-I am my own worst enemy.  I spent way too much time studying my failures until I lost sight of my successes.  The most common and destructive addiction in the world is the draw of comfort.  I'm thrilled that I'm done with comfort!  This is where I put my verse in here......

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls.]

Matthew 11:28

    

I take this verse to heart.  I will take this verse with me into my surgery.  I will take this verse with me as I heal and recover.  From time to time, I still am heavy-laden and overburdened.  Then I think of this and it sends me back to the moment Jesus picked me out of my donkey pit!

Looking forward to healing both mind and body and spirit and then it's Ironman training!!!  1/2 Ironman that is......that's enough for me!  I have the tattoo already designed!  I've always gone about my training for anything I've done with the end in mind and my wonderful friend, Lisa, awhile ago had sent me this photo.  LOVE IT.........truth!!! 

  
I know exactly what the cut-off's are for each event.  I know exactly what I need to do to get myself to this event.  I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

I'll be out for awhile from blog land..........see you soon!
Until next.............Blessings! 

Raindrops.....

We all pray for blessings.  We pray for peace.  We pray for comfort.  We pray for healing and prosperity.  We pray for wisdom.  We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near.  We doubt your goodness and your love, yet, all the while, You hear each desperate plea.  When our family and/or friends betray us, when that darkness seems to win, we know that pain reminds our heart that this is not our home.  
Sometimes the rain, the storms and our hardest nights are Your mercies in disguise.  Sometimes blessings come in raindrops.  Sometimes healing comes through tears.  

Interesting how when a raindrop hits, it bounces into the shape of a crown.  Hmm, just goes to show and remind us that He is always in charge!

Last year at this time things were heading to a place that I could not have ever imagined I'd be at.  I had no idea how far down I'd be going.  I had no idea how bad my soul was aching to be saved.  The thoughts in my mind at this time were not of a person I wanted to be.  I was in the midst of training for my marathon.  Out and about doing many long training runs.  It seemed that the longer my runs became the deeper down I went.  Then....as I didn't have any love left for myself, the love of Jesus grabbed me and has never let go.  All I can say is Thank You for this renewed life.  I trust in Jesus...it's by His grace that I am here.
I had a greater thirst this world could not satisfy.  My healing definitely came through tears.  LOTS and LOTS of tears!  Not to mention, LOTS and LOTS of prayer time as well.  
Just because I am a Christian, it doesn't mean that everything in my life is perfect.  In John 16:33, Jesus clearly tells us that in this world we will have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration.  I won't live life in fear.  I will be strong in the Lord.  God's got his hand on me.

Matthew 11:28
"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls.]"

It doesn't get any more comforting than that verse.  In fact, it's one of my top 5 favorites.  I never realized how "not at rest" I was.  
Now, almost a year later, with God guiding my heart, I am at (almost) 100% peace.  I still sin.  I still cry out in anger from time to time.  I still am just a "young" Christian growing stronger and stronger everyday.  As I speak out of my faith, which is hard for me to do, except for when I type it out here I could go on forever, I find it comforting how many others are looking for the same feelings.  They want the same light to shine on them.  They want a place to be free and to overcome their burdens.  We all must be a light in this dark place.  I'm working on my light-I'm trying to get it to shine as bright as I can and not worry about the fear of feelings.  I will feel stupid talking about my relationship with God.  I will feel like everyone will think I'm just one of those holy rollers.  Feelings can be very strong and demanding, but we do not have to let them rule our lives.  I just have to remember that if I'm willing to make the right choices regardless of how I feel, God will always do his part being faithful to give me the strength to do so.  
Even if the only way, for now, for me to shine my light in the darkness of this world is by writing.  I can continue with this area until I'm granted the knowledge to move on the path God has for me.  
At the Joyce Meyer conference, I picked up a bunch of books to read while I'm laid up after surgery.  Books on feelings, love, habits, and forgiving.  I look forward to learning more and more ways to live a peaceful life through Christ.

I'm learning to see people and circumstances in such difference ways.  A car can cut me off and I won't care.  For all I know maybe they just lost a loved one and they're on their way to the hospital.  For all I know they may just be late for work.  It does me no good to get upset over being cut off.  Actually, maybe God put that car there to cut me off to send a message.  Maybe it's just that 2-3 seconds of extra time it now is taking me to reach my destination that might save my life.  It takes practice to truly SEE things in a positive way, but once it's achieved, it's very freeing.  You know that boss that drives you crazy and is mean?  More than likely he/she was brought up in a very mean environment and that's all they seem to know.  I just pray.  I pray for everyone.  I pray for all to find and feel God's love.  All I need is to be with Him.  I love to be at rest in His Holiness.  

Psalm 25:2
"O my God, I trust, lean on, rely on, and am confident in You.  Let me not be put to shame or [my hope in You] be disappointed; let not my enemies triumph over me".
    

There can never be a more beautiful way to live............

Until next time........Blessings

I got a peaceful, easy feeling....

I just worked this past weekend, which was my last weekend until after my surgery, and it was a good weekend.  Busy as usual, but not a crazy busy.  Yesterday and today, the weather has been BEYOND gorgeous!  70's during the day and 40's at night.  NOW, that is something one could easily get used to!  Everyone's yards are green and full of new life.  The trees are all budding.  The different birds are out.  I have so many that come since I feed everything that comes!  The colors of all the birds is just magical.  I love to sit and watch.  They have NOT a care in the world.  Just as I'm starting to get.  I know longer care that I am who I am. In fact, I'm proud to be who I am.  Things are not 100% jolly perfect around here, but I no longer will keep things on my mind or spew them out here for the world to have to read about.  I know that God will provide for me no matter what comes my way.

Yesterday morning after Jared left for school, I headed out for a run.  Only planning on a 3 miler or so.  Ended up doing 8.  The weather was so perfect.  The music in my ears was spot on and it just felt good to let go.  
Yesterday was also the hub's birthday and the plan was for him to work only a half a day and then come with me to my "pre-op" appointments.  Appointment #1 was with the surgeon.  She's been spoken very highly off in the last few days.  In the world of medicine, we talk!  We talk about how good or how crappy the docs are!  Turns out this surgeon has seen a lot of the "private" parts of my coworkers!  Amazing how many have people I've come in contact with lately have had the same procedure I'm having!  Why would I think "my" issue is just "my" issue?  I'm thankful to have had some great conversations with some of the ladies at work who put my mind at ease!  Thank you God for bringing them to me when I needed them!
The Gyno/surgeon comes in and explains everything she's going to do.  Instead of a vaginal hysterectomy, it will be a robotic laproscopic procedure instead.  She's hoping to use the same holes that were made when I had my gallbladder out.  So.....the bad news is that it is a DEFINITE 6 weeks of NO, NONE, NADA lifting, grunting, or baring down of any sorts.  Bummer.....my bells are gonna get really dusty!  BUT....some good news is since it won't be a vaginal entrance-I can bike!!  Whenever it feels comfortable to me!  I can walk, walk, walk, walk all I want.  I left her office feeling a little at ease about all this!
From her office, it was down to the pre-op admission area for tests!  I had a pharmacist come in and go over all my supplements I take and what I will have to stop for a week prior to.  I had an EKG done which was normal-yeah!  I had a urine sample and blood samples taken-which I'm sure are fine!  Basically, I'm healthy enough to have surgery!  I left the entire process with a better outlook and I'm gonna keep it positive!  

Today, after a great night sleep, I had a nice breakfast and after Jared left for school, I put the bike in the car and off to the trail.  It's a 25 mile trail from one end to the other and it's first 5 miles are paved, the rest is small gravel.  Therefore, I need to use the hybrid and not the road bike.  Threw Fred in the back and off we went.  I love biking.  I really think it's my #1 favorite-even above the kettlebells.  Yes, you read that right!  You can see so much from the saddle of a bike!  And with spring hitting hard finally, it's a nice ride!  I love this trail during the week because it's usually pretty quiet.  Not many out there.  Only ones out there are other bikers and runners.  A few folks were taking their doggies for a walk!  I was feeling really good on this ride.  The wind was calm.  The temps were cool at start but quickly warmed up.  I have some nice tan lines starting!  I had planned on doing 25-30 miles and actually ended up doing the whole trail from end to end!  Having found just the right "sweet" spot on the seat, I managed the whole 50 miles!  

Now it's just some basic cleaning.  Doing the dishes, cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming and other light stuff to keep the legs moving!  I'm feeling a hike coming on later today!   

I give a shout out to my fellow blogger and long distance friend Heidi for completing her very first 70.3 triathlon this past weekend!  Congratulations on all your hard work!  Please click on this link to her blog to read all about it!  Thanks for all your work you do for the "Team in Training"....the money is for a good cause.  I see the effects of cancer all the time at my job and it's amazing the fight these people have!  That's one fight I hope I'm never faced with!  A basic hysterectomy is fine for now!

Until next time...........Blessings!